2008 Woodie Awards
From Kitchen Waste to RAW HORSEPOWER
By Adam Freeland
4/11/07 - Fool's Gold
Power in American cars was sacrificed in the 70's for a cleaner environment. Ever since then, people have been trying to get it back. This has led to all sorts of creative ideas from the Estes model rocket engine lined spoiler to the rotary engine. But recently, people from all over America have discovered an amazingly cheap and even less effective way to pimp their rides.
You could say that it all began when the firs of the rice-rocket generation began to drink coffee (it is widely rumored that it was a Goth cross over thing). They saw the potential in the Folgers coffee can. The realized that if it was put at the end of an exhaust system no matter how small or how inefficient the muffler or cad were, it would boost the horsepower on looks alone. This was taken to the next step when the more artsy realized that they could blast off the original Folgers designs on the can and use the cornerstone tool of anyone's parent's garage: a Sharpie. They wrote all sorts of things on the cans to boost horsepower even more. Writing an R has been found to have the greatest Horsepower Boost to Ink Used ratio.
In 1997, Xenon Headlights were introduced to the masses. They would alter the color of light emitted by one's headlights, and thus make the car faster. The only problem was their tremendous cost. Thankfully, at about the same time, blue saran wrap was introduced. Amazing street racers found that by wrapping their existing headlights in this amazing new substance, they could duplicate the effect of the much more expensive Xenon bulbs. For pennies on the dollar, they had achieved a much more powerful car.
The real kicker came with the unavailing of the NOS Energy Drink. From the start, it was apparent that this was no ordinary energy drink; it was loaded with tons of caffeine and sugar, to give you energy that would last. Its true power, though, came when frugal racers found that by placing the bottle (which resembled an actual tank of Nitrus Oxide) in their rear window, their horsepower would increase roughly 25%. This paled in comparison to their ego, which grew exponentially with time.
All put together, the Folgers Can, blue saran wrap, and NOS bottle were capable of turning a typical '93 Ford Festiva with about 63 Horsepower into a mean racer with nearly 275 Horsepower. Pimping your ride with kitchen products is real and it is the future.
You could say that it all began when the firs of the rice-rocket generation began to drink coffee (it is widely rumored that it was a Goth cross over thing). They saw the potential in the Folgers coffee can. The realized that if it was put at the end of an exhaust system no matter how small or how inefficient the muffler or cad were, it would boost the horsepower on looks alone. This was taken to the next step when the more artsy realized that they could blast off the original Folgers designs on the can and use the cornerstone tool of anyone's parent's garage: a Sharpie. They wrote all sorts of things on the cans to boost horsepower even more. Writing an R has been found to have the greatest Horsepower Boost to Ink Used ratio.
In 1997, Xenon Headlights were introduced to the masses. They would alter the color of light emitted by one's headlights, and thus make the car faster. The only problem was their tremendous cost. Thankfully, at about the same time, blue saran wrap was introduced. Amazing street racers found that by wrapping their existing headlights in this amazing new substance, they could duplicate the effect of the much more expensive Xenon bulbs. For pennies on the dollar, they had achieved a much more powerful car.
The real kicker came with the unavailing of the NOS Energy Drink. From the start, it was apparent that this was no ordinary energy drink; it was loaded with tons of caffeine and sugar, to give you energy that would last. Its true power, though, came when frugal racers found that by placing the bottle (which resembled an actual tank of Nitrus Oxide) in their rear window, their horsepower would increase roughly 25%. This paled in comparison to their ego, which grew exponentially with time.
All put together, the Folgers Can, blue saran wrap, and NOS bottle were capable of turning a typical '93 Ford Festiva with about 63 Horsepower into a mean racer with nearly 275 Horsepower. Pimping your ride with kitchen products is real and it is the future.
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