2008 Woodie Awards
What's Your Grind With Mines?
A Satiric Twist On A Favorite Column...
By Adam Freeland
4/11/07 - Fool's Gold
"Zomb-E-Days? M..... Brains"
This was actually the theme of the 1930 E-days. It was a huge hit. Just by chance, there were a few Hollywood start-up executives visiting the brewery that year. They saw the potential for a huge blockbuster (at that time called "streetbusters," as the modern block had not yet been invented). They came out with the movie Dracula the next year. The board of trustees has been bitter ever since (3 members from 1930 still sit on the board). They have refused to do any Hollywood-like theme since.
"Lack of allergy friendly options at food services"
Actually, all food served at Mines is laced with a trace amount of Clarinex, an allergy blocker. It has been found by scientists at the University of Northern Alaska that this will inhibit all allergic reactions.
"Why are all the door handles so damn low in the Student Center and why have they not been changed?"
The student center was built like any other building, except for one small detail. The builders did not follow the floor-plan too closely and built the first story ceiling 8 inches too high. This went unnoticed until 6 months after it opened, when the zoning commission took a tour. It turned out that the building was zoned in a way that limited ceiling height. Some fast thinkers combined with a generous gift from a Denver concrete company led to the idea of raising the floor 8 inches with a few hundred yards of concrete. The building was sealed, it was poured, and when it dried, the doors were re-cut to open at the proper height. They have yet to be replaced.
"Why is milk delivered to the cafeteria every day?"
The keys to the large walk in refrigerator were taken by Bob Francisco when he resigned. It was not in the 2006-2007 budget to have keys replaced, so the school ranged for daily delivery of all perishable items.
"Freshman parking sucks, fix it"
A large 5 level underground parking structure is being designed. The plan is to dig a missive pit under Kafadar Commons and erect the underground structure. It would be topped off with a draining concrete roof, which would be covered with 14 inches of soil and sod. It will look exactly same in two years. The funding for the structure was approved by sneaking it into the fine print of last Bus Pass bill put to the Student Body.
"Why are there no Left-Handed desks on campus?"
It is not until recently that this problem was taken seriously. As the school purchases more desks, they will purchase a proportionate number of specially designed "lefty desks." In the mean time, you can enjoy the new left handed silverware at the Slate Cafe.
This was actually the theme of the 1930 E-days. It was a huge hit. Just by chance, there were a few Hollywood start-up executives visiting the brewery that year. They saw the potential for a huge blockbuster (at that time called "streetbusters," as the modern block had not yet been invented). They came out with the movie Dracula the next year. The board of trustees has been bitter ever since (3 members from 1930 still sit on the board). They have refused to do any Hollywood-like theme since.
"Lack of allergy friendly options at food services"
Actually, all food served at Mines is laced with a trace amount of Clarinex, an allergy blocker. It has been found by scientists at the University of Northern Alaska that this will inhibit all allergic reactions.
"Why are all the door handles so damn low in the Student Center and why have they not been changed?"
The student center was built like any other building, except for one small detail. The builders did not follow the floor-plan too closely and built the first story ceiling 8 inches too high. This went unnoticed until 6 months after it opened, when the zoning commission took a tour. It turned out that the building was zoned in a way that limited ceiling height. Some fast thinkers combined with a generous gift from a Denver concrete company led to the idea of raising the floor 8 inches with a few hundred yards of concrete. The building was sealed, it was poured, and when it dried, the doors were re-cut to open at the proper height. They have yet to be replaced.
"Why is milk delivered to the cafeteria every day?"
The keys to the large walk in refrigerator were taken by Bob Francisco when he resigned. It was not in the 2006-2007 budget to have keys replaced, so the school ranged for daily delivery of all perishable items.
"Freshman parking sucks, fix it"
A large 5 level underground parking structure is being designed. The plan is to dig a missive pit under Kafadar Commons and erect the underground structure. It would be topped off with a draining concrete roof, which would be covered with 14 inches of soil and sod. It will look exactly same in two years. The funding for the structure was approved by sneaking it into the fine print of last Bus Pass bill put to the Student Body.
"Why are there no Left-Handed desks on campus?"
It is not until recently that this problem was taken seriously. As the school purchases more desks, they will purchase a proportionate number of specially designed "lefty desks." In the mean time, you can enjoy the new left handed silverware at the Slate Cafe.
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