2008 Woodie Awards
Discrimination Against Gases
By Mike Stone
9/10/07 - Fool's Gold
Have you ever driven down the road and knew it would be illegal to throw your McDonald's cup or cigarette butt out the window? In Colorado, you can be fined up to $500 for the infraction. It is a law that everyone can get behind for valid reasons: We don't want trash on our streets.
Now, sit in that same car and think about the coke or the cigarette smoke you threw out with it. There are no fines or public service requirements for littering liquids or gases- only solids. That is exactly the case going to the Supreme Court in two weeks.
In the controversial State of Colorado v. ________, lawyers and lobbyists are fighting for recognition. Already being called the discrimination case of the century, Gas spokesmen are making sure every phase of matter has the same respect it deserves. "Gases are blamed for Global Warming and Tornadoes. They are treated with contempt and only seen as doing wrong in the environment. They never get the credit of providing breathable oxygen and delivering sweet perfumes to your nostrils, which are located on your face."
Michael Tinney, a scientist from the United Kingdom, states that; "Without gas, people would not be alive." His research team has done extensive reports on this over the past decade in laboratories located nowhere near English pubs. "Every time we deprive a lab mouse of air, it seems to die." Human testing will begin next month.
Solid lawyers have taken a strong stance of "No comment," to questions about the case. A person close to the defense team said, "The solids are waiting for court with no signs of worry. Solids don't want to be treated unfairly, but they know they deserve it anyway."
Liquid lawyers are still waiting for all the evidence to be in. "We know liquids are blamed for icy roads at night, but we do not think we are as controversial as solids. We can evaporate away on warm days."
Gas lawyers retorted, "We only want the same recognition: equal rights for all phases. If it is illegal to litter a solid, it should be illegal to litter a gas."
The case is to commence on Wednesday, September 26th. If gases win, solids will surely pay the price: in solid cash.
Now, sit in that same car and think about the coke or the cigarette smoke you threw out with it. There are no fines or public service requirements for littering liquids or gases- only solids. That is exactly the case going to the Supreme Court in two weeks.
In the controversial State of Colorado v. ________, lawyers and lobbyists are fighting for recognition. Already being called the discrimination case of the century, Gas spokesmen are making sure every phase of matter has the same respect it deserves. "Gases are blamed for Global Warming and Tornadoes. They are treated with contempt and only seen as doing wrong in the environment. They never get the credit of providing breathable oxygen and delivering sweet perfumes to your nostrils, which are located on your face."
Michael Tinney, a scientist from the United Kingdom, states that; "Without gas, people would not be alive." His research team has done extensive reports on this over the past decade in laboratories located nowhere near English pubs. "Every time we deprive a lab mouse of air, it seems to die." Human testing will begin next month.
Solid lawyers have taken a strong stance of "No comment," to questions about the case. A person close to the defense team said, "The solids are waiting for court with no signs of worry. Solids don't want to be treated unfairly, but they know they deserve it anyway."
Liquid lawyers are still waiting for all the evidence to be in. "We know liquids are blamed for icy roads at night, but we do not think we are as controversial as solids. We can evaporate away on warm days."
Gas lawyers retorted, "We only want the same recognition: equal rights for all phases. If it is illegal to litter a solid, it should be illegal to litter a gas."
The case is to commence on Wednesday, September 26th. If gases win, solids will surely pay the price: in solid cash.
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