2008 Woodie Awards
College Cafeteria Food is People
Better than grade "F" Beef...
By Matthew Pusard
9/17/07 - Fool's Gold
In a parallel to the movie Soylent Green, the ColMeals Corporation held a press conference yesterday admitting a large portion of their food supplied at colleges and sport stadiums is made out of people. The details revealed their employees are not fired; they are just breaded and deep fried.
Ted Buckland, ColMeals' Public Relations Rep, defended their methods saying, "Nine out of ten people can't tell the difference. And that tenth person tends to be a cannibal." When questioned on ethics of feeding people to unknowing consumers, Buckland responded, "Unethical? Unethical would be feeding people insects like on Survivor or Fear Factor. ColMeals is supplying college students with an alternative form of protein. We are simultaneously providing the community with a public service by using the homeless and politicians as the majority of our meats."
ColMeals' announcement is just the latest in America's long history of college food scandals. One of the earliest recorded crises was at the Colorado School of Mines. As the legend goes, the decline of the local mining industry did not occur when many of the silver veins ran dry, but when students got sick of the school food and starting eating the burros. This sudden acquired taste for donkey is what led to the school's mascot today: Blaster the Donkey. He was the last of the herd left uneaten and was deemed too pretty to eat.
Another college food debacle occurred in 2002 at the University of Southwestern Rhode Island. The school was disgraced when raccoon meat was discovered to be the main ingredient in the cafeteria's steaks. This led to a PETA protest, many people fired, and an inquiry into the school's president, Patrick D. Snow, for reports of animal cruelty. He was eventually tried and convicted for animal abuse for tying helium weather balloons to squirrels and sending them into the stratosphere.
In the futuristic movie Soylent Green, a soldier's rations are eventually discovered to be meat from fallen soldiers. In contrast to the movie, Buckland stated, "ColMeals doesn't really discern between alive or dead people when cooking them. They all die eventually."
On top of the moral issues are the health standards. Research indicates that eating human flesh can lead to baldness, sterility, and the condition commonly referred to as "Sad Sack Syndrome." Buckland denied any knowledge of such a report despite the fact he is bald, sterile and generally sad.
ColMeals' press conference was cut short when Buckland was asked about any changes the company would make. "I am sorry for my departure, but that is all the time I have. I just ironed my going out hair and I'm off to dinner."
Ted Buckland, ColMeals' Public Relations Rep, defended their methods saying, "Nine out of ten people can't tell the difference. And that tenth person tends to be a cannibal." When questioned on ethics of feeding people to unknowing consumers, Buckland responded, "Unethical? Unethical would be feeding people insects like on Survivor or Fear Factor. ColMeals is supplying college students with an alternative form of protein. We are simultaneously providing the community with a public service by using the homeless and politicians as the majority of our meats."
ColMeals' announcement is just the latest in America's long history of college food scandals. One of the earliest recorded crises was at the Colorado School of Mines. As the legend goes, the decline of the local mining industry did not occur when many of the silver veins ran dry, but when students got sick of the school food and starting eating the burros. This sudden acquired taste for donkey is what led to the school's mascot today: Blaster the Donkey. He was the last of the herd left uneaten and was deemed too pretty to eat.
Another college food debacle occurred in 2002 at the University of Southwestern Rhode Island. The school was disgraced when raccoon meat was discovered to be the main ingredient in the cafeteria's steaks. This led to a PETA protest, many people fired, and an inquiry into the school's president, Patrick D. Snow, for reports of animal cruelty. He was eventually tried and convicted for animal abuse for tying helium weather balloons to squirrels and sending them into the stratosphere.
In the futuristic movie Soylent Green, a soldier's rations are eventually discovered to be meat from fallen soldiers. In contrast to the movie, Buckland stated, "ColMeals doesn't really discern between alive or dead people when cooking them. They all die eventually."
On top of the moral issues are the health standards. Research indicates that eating human flesh can lead to baldness, sterility, and the condition commonly referred to as "Sad Sack Syndrome." Buckland denied any knowledge of such a report despite the fact he is bald, sterile and generally sad.
ColMeals' press conference was cut short when Buckland was asked about any changes the company would make. "I am sorry for my departure, but that is all the time I have. I just ironed my going out hair and I'm off to dinner."
Be the first to comment on this story