2008 Woodie Awards
Student Dies of Homework Overdose
"Oh Crap," says Random Guy off the Street, "Proof that Nunavut actually exists."
By Matthew Pusard
9/24/07 - Fool's Gold
History was made last Thursday when a student at the Community College of Nunavut died of acute homework poisoning. The student collapsed while writing a 46 page paper for his History of Alternative Rock 101 course. Patrick F. N. Snow, 20, was comparing the reunion of the Smashing Pumpkins to the second coming of Jesus when he suddenly collapsed to his keyboard. His roommate quickly called 911 and Snow was rushed to the hospital.
After extracting the "g" key from Snow's nasal passage, doctors at the Frozen Mallard Medical Center ran a toxicology screen and a wallet test. While the wallet came back negative for currency, the tox screen showed that his immune system was being overrun by information packets. His blood-info-packet content was 6 times the legal limit. Patrick was immediately shown reruns of Jerry Springer and reality television, but Snow succumbed to his illness at 7:43 PM that night.
"It looks like someone has a case of the dead-sicles," proclaimed his physician, Dr. Turk Turkleton, before officially pronouncing Snow dead.
The death overseas has impacted schools in the United States already. The federal government has declared a moratorium on any and all assignments outside of classes and it is believed that President George W. Bush will create the new position of Homework Security Advisor in his cabinet to monitor homework over-saturation. A five color alert system has been devised with blue for "kindergarten homework" and red for, "Haha, you're not going to get any sleep tonight!" If the system were in place today, the level would be orange for, "Poor schmucks."
CSM is expected to be greatly affected by this homework scare. In some of the school's classes, such as Calculus II and NHV, a homework alternative has already been approved. Instead of giving out plentiful assignments, every 5th student will simply be bludgeoned with his own shoes. Students fearing bludgeoning are recommended to come to class in crocs or without shoes.
After extracting the "g" key from Snow's nasal passage, doctors at the Frozen Mallard Medical Center ran a toxicology screen and a wallet test. While the wallet came back negative for currency, the tox screen showed that his immune system was being overrun by information packets. His blood-info-packet content was 6 times the legal limit. Patrick was immediately shown reruns of Jerry Springer and reality television, but Snow succumbed to his illness at 7:43 PM that night.
"It looks like someone has a case of the dead-sicles," proclaimed his physician, Dr. Turk Turkleton, before officially pronouncing Snow dead.
The death overseas has impacted schools in the United States already. The federal government has declared a moratorium on any and all assignments outside of classes and it is believed that President George W. Bush will create the new position of Homework Security Advisor in his cabinet to monitor homework over-saturation. A five color alert system has been devised with blue for "kindergarten homework" and red for, "Haha, you're not going to get any sleep tonight!" If the system were in place today, the level would be orange for, "Poor schmucks."
CSM is expected to be greatly affected by this homework scare. In some of the school's classes, such as Calculus II and NHV, a homework alternative has already been approved. Instead of giving out plentiful assignments, every 5th student will simply be bludgeoned with his own shoes. Students fearing bludgeoning are recommended to come to class in crocs or without shoes.
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