2008 Woodie Awards
Jack Bauer is My Hero
A Manifesto Against the Lies
By Mike Stone
10/1/07 - Fool's Gold
How many times can one man save the world? I say, "not enough." What training is required for such a job? Close quarters combat, bomb defusing, car sliding, weapons training, and holding your breath...ing. Who are Jack Bauer's heroes? MacGyver and Walker Texas Ranger.
Does Jack like you? He thinks you are a terrorist and he'll do anything to get you to admit you're a terrorist. Did I run out of questions to ask? Yes.
A scandal has erupted around our beloved hero of heroes. Jack Bauer has been accused of Driving Under the Influence by the U.S. Government. This grievous and terrible act of jealousy has come directly from the President after a history of drug use was recently wiped off his record. Jack Bauer had never and will never drive under the influence of anything but "bad-assery."
On the night in question, Jack killed five terrorists, had two car chases, interrogated three people, cracked one code, said the words, "Who do you work for?" eight times, tortured a child and baked a bunt cake. There simply wouldn't be enough time for drinking, let alone sleeping or going to the restroom. If he had gone to sleep, he would have been gone for three episodes. Instead, he put some beer cans suspected of terrorism in his back seat.
If you do not know who the great Jack Bauer is, there is a chronicle of his life pieced together from conveniently placed security cameras on the Fox Network every year in mid-fall. It is called "24" for how many times Jack Bauer has saved the world. Our national hero can be seen Mondays at 7pm. I would gladly have Jack Bauer's babies.
Does Jack like you? He thinks you are a terrorist and he'll do anything to get you to admit you're a terrorist. Did I run out of questions to ask? Yes.
A scandal has erupted around our beloved hero of heroes. Jack Bauer has been accused of Driving Under the Influence by the U.S. Government. This grievous and terrible act of jealousy has come directly from the President after a history of drug use was recently wiped off his record. Jack Bauer had never and will never drive under the influence of anything but "bad-assery."
On the night in question, Jack killed five terrorists, had two car chases, interrogated three people, cracked one code, said the words, "Who do you work for?" eight times, tortured a child and baked a bunt cake. There simply wouldn't be enough time for drinking, let alone sleeping or going to the restroom. If he had gone to sleep, he would have been gone for three episodes. Instead, he put some beer cans suspected of terrorism in his back seat.
If you do not know who the great Jack Bauer is, there is a chronicle of his life pieced together from conveniently placed security cameras on the Fox Network every year in mid-fall. It is called "24" for how many times Jack Bauer has saved the world. Our national hero can be seen Mondays at 7pm. I would gladly have Jack Bauer's babies.
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