2008 Woodie Awards
New bumper sticker law: CDOT says, ''Bye, bye bumper puns''
By Mike Stone
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The Colorado State Legislature approved a bill last Thursday to ban certain bumper stickers from being displayed on the back of Colorado drivers' cars. In a project supported by the Colorado Department of Transportation (CDOT), the bill has been on the floor for over two years in debate over its legality.
Colorado District 13 representative Dan Theman has been a major lobbyist for CDOT. "People will throw anything on the back of their car because of supposed 'free speech' rights. They don't take into consideration the poor driver behind them at the stop light." Theman says stickers representing anything from karate dojos to elementary schools are, "downright ridiculous. I don't care if your kid is an honor student in the 4th grade!" The new law now restricts the back of cars to only the following four things: Pink Ribbons, Yellow Ribbons, Sports Team Emblems, and anything with scantily clad silhouettes of women. The intent is to "cut back on wasteful thought propaganda" according to the law's subsections.
A Golden citizen of 32 years, Kelly "the Cat Lady" Bershinski is very upset about the new law. "Yes, I support the troops and breast cancer research, but I want to keep my aquamarine ribbon for endangered seals in the Northern Pacific, periwinkle ribbon for the Arabian Mice Trader's Union, and my dioxizine-purple ribbon for oddly named, colored ribbons."
Mines student Jason McVirgin commented, "I'm glad the law is finally here. I've never looked at a political bumper sticker and thought, 'Wow! The guy in the run-down green Volkswagon supports Obama! I'm going to vote just like him!' Please, I don't even like Germans."
The law is aimed to also make child abductions more difficult. Theman explains that, "Adults will put little cartoons of every family member in the bottom left-hand corner of their back window. They even put their pets in that row of people. These stickers are like calling cards for abductionists and teenagers looking for MILFs alike."
As a condition of the law, all campus parking stickers must be removed by October 1st. Instead, a 14-foot wacky waving inflatable arm tube man will be attached to every student's hood.
In a joking matter off the record, Theman also explained how he doesn't care if your kid is an Eagle scout, Lacrosse player or writer for a newspaper. "All three of those activities are blasphemous."
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