 While most second grade children are chasing each other around the playground, Flint, Michigan's Ashley Fox will be using state-of-the-art design software at the General Motors Renaissance Center in Detroit. Fox won a national design contest last week for her revolutionary automobile concept sketch and has been given a company-sponsored internship to work with the company's finest architects on finalizing the design. "Genius has no age requirement," said General Motors President Chad Brennan. "Ms. Fox has a gift. She's certainly the youngest designer to ever win this contest, and we are expecting big things from her in the future." Fox's design, pictured here in its original crayon and paper form, has been described as "clean, simple, and classic" by leading automotive engineers. Ashley's design was chosen over submissions from a pool of thousands including many submitted by college-level automotive engineering students.
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Ian Littman - Nowhere Man
10. Quant Lab
9. Arthur Lakes Library
8. The basement of Meyer Hall
7. Anywhere near a tectonic plate boundary
6. Facebook
5. An unstable banana republic
4. Your sketchy friend's even sketchier seaside condo
3. BFE (unless there are beaches)
2. North Korea
1. Anywhere within a mile of Mines (Coors excepted) Read 0 Comments... >>
A multinational standards committee decided last Thursday that the "x-axes" of functions mark changes in the dependent variable. The committee members cited many factors in their decision, which was aimed at creating more uniformity in function naming and treatment. "Scientists," committee member Richard Cantillon, "and especially engineers, tend to undervalue consistency. They think that modifying their standards, their status quo, is not worth the hassle, without accounting for the recurring hassle caused by using different systems." The ruling was met with strong opposition even within Mines community. "While it might be amusing, for a while," said differential equations professor Rick Ganupul, "to refer to every single function in this class as a ‘time function,' I can't help but think that this might obscure some of the data. Is this a time function where time evolves in response to population growth, or is this a time function that responds to weather fluctuation? Also, won't it create confusion if a wave generates two identical functions, but one tracks the way that the amplitude of the wave relates to the flow of time, but the other function tracks how the amplitude influences the location the measurement is being taken, while preventing the flow of time?" Other professors, particularly those in the chemistry department, adamantly refused to make the switch. "I don't care how consistent the new system is," said chemistry professor Dr. Marcus Yeager, "there is more to chemistry than color changes in phenolphthalein reaching up out of the beaker to adjust how much titrant is dripped in."
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Ian Littman - Professional Muckraker
Rumor: Thursday evening's "free Chipotle" party, put on by the Senior Class, sent the company's stock, NYSE:CMG, to a record high on Friday. Status: Maybe... Description: Correlation isn't causation...or is it? The Junior, Sophomore, and Freshman classes have partnered with the Department of Economics and Business to find out.
Rumor: ASCSM to initiate an outreach program to let the rest of the campus know what the heck they're doing.
Status: Busted.
Description: ASCSM members are required to take a strict vow of secrecy as to their positions, and the last reporter to cover ASCSM meetings was seen entering Alderson Hall... three years ago. She was never heard from again.
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Early Monday morning, the people of Golden and the commuters of Mines were in for a rude awakening. A series of loud explosions "like an allosaurus sneezing," as one resident put it, rocked the snowy air. When students began arriving on campus, the source of the explosions was located - the Hall of Justice parking lot was, once again, a pile of rubble. The student body was distraught. "I can't talk right now," said one sophomore, sobbing, "this... this was my life. Now it's just a pile of dust and black." Another student on the scene seemed more stoic. "There are other parking lots," he noted, "even other vehicles. I've always wanted to try out a bicycle built for two. Oh hey, look, there's daisies under the lot! Daisy, daisy..."
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