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Slate spoons found to be "Too Big", According to students

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Written by Josh Kleitsch

Posted on 23 September 2012

Recent polls at the Colorado School of Mines Slate Cafe indicated that the average student thinks that the spoons in the dining hall are "too big," and should be traded out for smaller ones.

Since Sodexo took over as the food service provider for the Mines campus, many "foods" have changed. Director of food services Mr. Arturo Biscotti commented on the changes when asked about the poll results. Biscotti said, "I can not comment on the changes made to the silverware in the Slate Cafe, because it is beyond my control. Do not misunderstand me when I say this – the silverware is possesed. In fact, many things in the Slate Cafe have begun to exhibit strange behavior recently." When pressed further, Biscotti seemed agitated and uneasy, and refused to say more about the situation.

After speaking with many students at the dining hall, investigative reporter Yeshua DeGleitsch found one individual that was willing to comment on the various goings-on within the Slate. For safety, this individual will hereby be known as Nocinent Standbyer. DeGleitsch met with Standbyer in an undisclosed location to discuss the situation in the Slate, and the following is what transpired.

Standbyer said, "It's probably not safe for me to tell you this, but I think one of the new guys with Sodexo has some sort of otherworldly power. I mean, when he comes into the Slate to serve food, you just get the sense that he could pop your ear lobes without even touching you." Standbyer continued, "He doesn't seem dangerous, you just get a bad feeling, you know? What's really weird is the effect he has on the silverware and the fruits. Just last week I was eating some corn flakes for breakfast when my spoon literally got bigger in my hand. My friends think I'm crazy, but I know what I saw. It got bigger."

DeGleitsch pushed Standbyer further, and found out that the other students noticed that the spoons were all bigger, but everyone else just seemed to think that Sodexo just switched out the old spoons for bigger ones. Standyber said, "They didn't switch them out, I swear. The spoons got bigger. You know what else? That wasn't even the strangest thing that happened. I was going through the line getting my food when one of the bananas got up and said 'I am a banana!' right to me! It freaked me out, let me tell you."

The Sodexo employee identified by Standbyer was approached for an interview, but declined on the pretense that it would be "against his religion" to speak on any matters pertaining to what he may or may not be doing to the spoons and bananas in Slate Cafe.

In light of the recent developments surrounding the Slate Cafe, the associate dean of students is officially recommending that all students eat at Starbucks in the west wing of Brown Building from now until the matters in the Slate Cafe are resolved. Any new developments will be reported in "The Oredigger" newspaper as they surface.
Colorado School of Mines

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